CHAPTER 1

The being behind the table at the job fair was vaguely cone shaped, four feet tall and three feet wide, and smelled like ammonia. Aside from that, I couldn’t tell much about him because he was completely encased in an iridescent environment suit, except for a cluster of four transparent panels. Behind them an orange gas churned and roiled. There might have been eyes in there, I couldn’t tell. I use “he/him” pronouns for the being because the voice coming out of the box on his chest was more masculine than not. The name badge on his suit said “Girtibil'' which my brain turned into “gerbil” and wouldn’t let go.

"We hire humans, Miss Countena, because of flexibility. Not so much in the physical sense--though that's useful, as well--but rather psychosexually. Out of all of the races of the Oxygen Union, humans have the greatest potential for sexual broad-mindedness."

"You mean we're the biggest monsterlovers in the galaxy."

"Well, yes, I didn't want to put it quite that coarsely…and certainly I wouldn’t characterize humanity as a whole—"

"It's fine,” I interrupted. “I know who I am and I know what I like. Where do I sign?"

“Your enthusiasm is appreciated. Before we sign a contract, however, we need to make sure that you’re entirely aware of the terms. The Oxygen Union has very strict rules. Taking advantage of inhabitants of technologically inferior planets like this one has severe consequences.”

“My friend Sara just came back from her tour with you guys. I know the deal. Sign me up.”

“We’re holding orientation in room 142 at one PM this coming Saturday, in the Nascosta Building.” A beam of red light shone from Gerbil’s chest onto a pile of cards on the table, then played over onto a QR code printed nearby. “Once we’ve gone over the details, we’ll be happy to sign you up.”

It probably shouldn’t surprise you that when I got to room 142, there were a dozen or so women, and two guys. I recognized half the women and both of the dudes from my xeno classes, and most of the rest from the xeno fan club.

I tried to play it like this was all no big deal but inside I was four kinds of nervous. I really wanted this, more than anything I had wanted in my life. The idea of fucking aliens made my knees weak. I had prepared for this, studied everything I could find, but this was it. This was the day. I wished I had slept better the night before, but I had been too nervous. Luckily the adrenaline of anticipation was keeping me alert.

A tripedal alien about nine feet tall ducked in the door and strode to the front of the classroom, hard hoof-like feet clacking on the tile floor. His angular body was covered in exoskeletal plates with ridges and knobs all over them, something like a crab or a lobster, except they were bone white with...

We Hire Humans